pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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