He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
