my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
