So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
