Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
