Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
