I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
