My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
