So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
