Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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