the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
