The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
