Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
