Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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