At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
