I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize