something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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