the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
