when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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