Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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