I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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