I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Fuck appropriateness.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
