turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
