Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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