I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
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you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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