i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
