Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
