why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
