The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
