watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>