I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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