nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's shark week go big or go home
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
