fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
