Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
