I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
