i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
