I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
