AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
