he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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