She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
