Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
