some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
