I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.