My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.