He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
