If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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