when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
