im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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