Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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