i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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