I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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