my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
