Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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