God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
