My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
